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What You Can Do To Help a Survivor Part 2


Last time I talked about how to help a survivor of sexual assault heal and adjust. Today we talk about what you can do to help the parents of a survivor. You have to remember that they are also suffering and trying to adjust.

The first thing you can do to help the parents is simple, just let them know you are there. They will not immediately want to discuss this. There will be a short time when they feel shame and disgust with themselves because they didn’t protect their child. During this time it’s important that they know you are there when they are ready to discuss everything. Soon these feelings will turn to anger and they will need to talk it out.

Please be understanding. This is their life and their experience. They really just need someone to listen to them. They will not be able to discuss this at home with each other because they will not want to trigger the survivor or make them feel that their home isn’t a safe place. They need more than anything to get things off their chest. They will cry and be angry. Please let them. They have to let all their feelings out and they too, have to go through the steps in order for them to be better parents to their child. It may make you feel uncomfortable but if you offer to be there please do just that.

The next thing you can do is offer them an out. If it’s your girlfriend then take her to get her nails done, maybe have a spa day or shopping spree. If this is a guy friend then take them fishing, to shoot pool or even to have a couple beers. Just let them get away from the current situation even if it’s just for a few hours. While this day is going on, do not bring it up. If they do then of course discuss but do not be the first to bring it up. They, just like their child, will need a break from it as well.

If they are short with you or seem overly emotional, understand the amount of stress they are under. It’s not normal stress. As adults, we deal with stress of work, our homes and parenthood but they are dealing with that PLUS processing how to help their child. The anger, shortness or frustration you may get from this is not in any way directed at you. It’s like when a patient snaps at a nurse. It’s not that the nurse did something wrong but the patient just isn’t themselves. This will past and they will come back and be the friend you use to know.

The last thing you can do is super important. When the trial starts, cook for them, bring lunch or coffees. The trial is going to take the majority of their time and it will be such a stressful and hectic time they will not be thinking about food. Nerves will be on end and they could go days without eating. So be kind and bring a casserole. You can also send a simple text on the days of the trial, just to let them know you are thinking of them and are with them in thought.

These seem like common sense moves and if this was a death people would react this way, however, when it’s regarding sexual assault common sense seems to leave the room. You almost have to treat this as a death for them and in a sense it is a death, the death of their child’s innocence. They now have to reassure their child that everything is going to be okay, they will get justice and that not everyone is evil. This adds stress because truthfully, they don’t know that justice will be served. They don’t know that everything will be ok. So, just be their friend and be there, offer that shoulder so they can start their healing process to be better supporters of their child.

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