What You Can Do To Help A Survivor Of Sexual Assault- Part 1

When I decided to tell my story of survival I knew I wanted it to be one that helped other survivors become warriors. Not just other survivors but childhood survivors. I wrote “Jessie’s Daydreams-Surviving the Trial” to help bring awareness AND to show others, they are not alone. My goal, aside from selling books (no one writes a book and doesn’t want it to sell) was and is to help other childhood survivors to know they will have brighter days. Sharing my story has connected me with so many wonderful survivors and warriors. It legit has blown me away. Any story I share is with consent from the survivor and/or their family. I will not ever share a situation where the survivor did not authorize it first.

One mom recently shared the story of her little girl. They had a break in and the intruder sexually assaulted her daughter. She was only eight at the time. Then the mother revealed that she too was a survivor of sexual assault. This brought back memories of her attack and now, they are both trying to heal and move forward. The issue is that they are at different stages of their healing processes. While Mom understands what it’s like to be victimized, she doesn’t understand it from a mother’s point of view.

The mom knows the status of being a victim but she doesn’t know how to be the mother of a victim. She feels guilty even though this was a fluke accident and is no way responsible. Any mother knows this doesn’t matter, we feel that our children’s safety is solely our responsibility. We all have guilt at one point or another. But the guilt over your child being victimized is extreme. So what can you do for the survivor? The answers are actually pretty basic.

The most important thing that was taken from a survivor was their sense of safety and security. They feel fearful of everything that is going on. Hell, going to the bathroom alone is scary since the attacker could be hiding in there. If the attacker has not been caught or was let off then the fear is that they will come back to hurt them or is actually following them around. The best thing you can do in this situation is to be understanding. If they are asking you to check the closet, under the bed or behind the shower curtain for the one millionth time, just do it. It may seem redundant to you but to them, it’s assurance they are safe. Just do it and do it without being annoyed. If they sense they are annoying you then they will just stop asking you for help and their anxiety will reach all-time highs.

This leads me into the next issue, anxiety. You have to remember that something has been taken from a survivor that never should have been taken; their ability to control their situation. The attacker did not ask if he/she could attack them and they most definitely do not care if they were screaming no. They were in control of what was going on even though it wasn’t their body. This causes you to question the intentions of everyone around you. If the attacker is someone you know or someone you don’t, doesn’t matter. The end result is distrust and anxiety of being around a large group people. Reassure them that they are safe and that they are in control. If your child asks you to leave a situation and they have been victimized, leave. Listen to that child because it may be a question of “Can we leave” but what they are really saying is “I NEED to leave”. Listen and do it. This helps restore their balance of control.

The last one I will share, though there are so many more, is this-give them space. If the world knows this has happened, and by world I mean their world, then it’s all any one is talking about. They have to discuss it or relive it every second of everyday. If they are going to an attorney, a therapist and school trust me when I say it’s seriously all they are talking or hearing about and they just need a break. Give them a safe place at home, make it a rule that it’s not allowed to be discussed unless the survivor brings it up. This is critically important. They need the space. They need to know it’s not their identity, it happened to them but it is not who they are or the only thing they are. They will have the rest of their lives to deal with this so being at home, it should be a place of peace. They should not have to have their guards up at home. They should feel free to be normal and not have to discuss anything that they do not want to.

This is not going to solve everything or magically fix them but it makes it easier for them to move forward. It gives them a sense of control and could help them from turning to other forms of control. I wish my family would have known this when I was going through this, but my loss is the next survivors gain. If you know someone who is a survivor of sexual assault or if you are one yourself, feel free to contact me with anything. This is obviously my journey and what helped me but from other survivors I’ve learned they felt and feel the same. Every survivors fight is to help others and bring awareness.