Forgiveness After Tragedy

This isn't your typical post about forgiveness. This isn't going to tell you to forgive and forget, be the bigger person, yada yada yada. This is going to tell you how I forgave and how I encourage others dealing with any tragedy to forgive.

Let's start with the whole forgive and forget fiasco. First, you can't do it. We remember things from when we were five so how are we going to forget the thing that caused us pain and heartache? Unless we block it out entirely we just can not forget it. So what do we do? Do we walk around angry and scared forever? Nope. We forgive but it's a process.

So what's this process I speak of? Simple, you forgive every time you remember and you will remember. It's inevitable. We will always remember. Those memories flood us at the most inopportune times too. I use to have a neighbor that wore the same cologne as my attacker. Every time I would catch a whiff of it, I would break. I would look around thinking he was there to hurt me again. I would cry and grab my daughter to protect against the evil I knew was coming. It used to be debilitating but with lots of therapy and an amazing support system I finally got it under control. Now, when something takes me back to that time, I stop, close my eyes, inhale/exhale five times and repeat the affirmation "You are safe and he is not here".

How can I forgive if I still have moments like this? Well, the alternative is holding on to hurt, pain and anger which only makes me bitter and that's letting him continue to have control. I refuse to do that. Forgiving him was for me not for him. People think holding out forgiveness is hurting the person that hurt them. The truth is they go on living their lives, most of the time never looking back at or caring what they put you through. They couldn't care less if you forgive them or not because it's not their lives that are on hold. You are the one with the life that is in slow motion or even pause mode by not forgiving.

When we finally realize that forgiving them gives us the upper hand, the power and the freedom from being held down by them, that’s when we start living. We let go of bitterness. Anyone who is holding onto the trauma is bitter. They do not even realize they are bitter or that they are being hurtful to those that love them. All they see is the blind belief that they are holding some power over their "attacker". This is a false sense of being in control. You are still allowing that person to rule your happiness ultimately letting them win. What sense does that make?

Forgive them! No matter what they have done, forgive. It's the only way to move on. It's the only way to be the badass warrior you were meant to be. Do not let them take up residence in your mind and happiness. They should not get to have that power. So, stop giving it to them. This isn't going to happen immediately either. It's not like you are going to read this post and think "Awe, Jess, thanks dude. I can forgive completely." Y'all, I'm not that naive and neither should you be. It will take practice. It may take therapy. This is normal and most definitely acceptable.

I went through therapy and received the tools to help me. I also meditate, exercise, manifest and affirm and reach out to other survivors to help them. When there is a team of you that can band together it makes things so much easier. If you are sexual assault survivor like myself, it helps knowing you are not alone. There are far too many sexual assault survivors who think they are alone when the truth is, there are so many of us. We are actually not the minority.

I can't give you a time line of how soon you'll forgive. What I can do is tell you that when you do, it's the most liberating thing you will ever experience. It's pulling the tape off your mouth and placing it on your attackers. It's getting justice when the justice system failed. You can do this. You should do this and I hope you will do this. It doesn't matter what traumatic thing you experienced was, forgive them. Not because they deserve it but because you do. Every single time it comes up, forgive them. Every time you speak of it or think about it, forgive them. It will make you happier, higher vibing and more blessed than you could ever imagine.